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Blu-ray Review: “Microwave Massacre” Is Completely Devoid Of Any Massacre

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Fed up of his wife’s bad cooking, Donald kills her and turns to cannibalism to satisfy his appetite.

There is an old “Family Guy” clip about Stephen King. Fresh out of ideas but in his agent’s office, he picks up a desk lamp and says “What about a story about a lamp monster?” “Microwave Massacre” is the kind of film that got thought up at 3am when the screenwriters were out of ideas. But that’s not even the real problem. “Microwave Massacre” doesn’t even feature anyone dying in a microwave. There isn’t even a massacre.

This was the last film of Jackie Vernon’s. This film is kind of interesting if you view the movie as the last will and testament of Jackie Vernon. “But who’s Jackie Vernon?” you might ask. Jackie Vernon was the voice of Frosty the Snowman in the Rankin Bass version of the Christmas classic. He was friends with Judy Garland. He corresponded with Charlie Chaplin. He was a regular on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” A few years after “Microwave Massacre,” Jackie Vernon died of a heart attack. Here, in his last starring role, he plays Donald, a construction worker who apparently doesn’t even have a last name.

One night, fed up with his wife’s cooking, Donald beats his wife May (Claire Ginsberg) to death with a pepper shaker. The film then takes a dive off the sanity board when Donald decides to chop up his wife and eat her. We have no idea what makes Donald go from murder to cannibalism. The decision makes no sense in the world of the film. Or sense in the real world. Or sense in any place that sense is made. It’s an illogical twist.

So Donald decides to chop up other people and eat them too. Sometimes, he uses a microwave. There were actually two people that worked on this story. I’m not sure what they were doing, but crafting a interesting screenplay they were not. As Donald sets about hunting down others to kill and serve up to his fellow construction workers, the movie casts about for plot fillers, including several boob scenes, a few dirty jokes, and a running gag where Donald’s wife does a pale imitation of Yorrick in Hamlet.

The films ends on Donald’s wife’s eyes glowing in the refrigerator where Donald has placed it. It’s a setup for a sequel that fortunately never got made. Fortunately.

All of the principals in this film would go on to dubious existences. Before he died, Jackie Vernon appeared dancing in a leotard as Phlegmatic Jack in Faierie Tale Theatre. For over twenty years, the film’s director would not make another picture until 2005’s “The Naked Monster.” The film’s writers have not had any credits since this film.

Now available on a 2-Disc Special Edition Blu-ray/DVD Combo

 
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