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Movie Review: “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” Is Expectedly Uninspired

[yasr_overall_rating]
 

Captain Jack Sparrow searches for the trident of Poseidon.

About an hour and a half into the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, a woman sitting next to me left the theater, never to return to her seat. Whatever she did afterwards, was almost certainly a better use of her time than watching the rest of “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” one of the laziest, most pointless films I have seen in quite some time.

With a formula reminiscent of the first (and by far the best) “Pirates” film, Jack Sparrow finds himself on a reluctant quest with two youngsters who clearly are hot for each other, along the way crossing paths with his old buddy Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). This time his companions are Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan, and an orphan named Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario). The three of them go searching for Poseidon’s Trident (a powerful object that can control all of the sea’s curses) so that Jack can escape a ghost crew that is after him, and so that Henry can free his father.

It’s hard to believe that before Johnny Depp went full self-parody, he was Oscar-nominated for his role in the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Watching him play Jack Sparrow for the fifth time is excruciating, even depressing at times. But it’s exactly the type of low-effort performance you expect from Johnny Depp in 2017, and it’s a bummer that the rest of the cast seems to be matching his energy. Geoffrey Rush is a great actor who unfortunately has nothing left to give to this franchise, and newcomers Thwaites and Scodelario somehow have even less chemistry than Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly did. Bardem plays a villain that isn’t 1/100th as compelling as any of the previous bad guys he’s portrayed.

For me anyway, these films are at their most fun when the characters are on land, doing actual pirate-stuff. Early in “Dead Men Tell No Tales,” Jack attempts to rob a bank, and while it isn’t very remarkable on its own, the fact that it’s a coherent set-piece makes it stand out in a franchise that’s constantly getting bogged down by its dumb mythology and night time scenes where you can’t tell where anyone is, and everything just looks like the same generic grey special effect. While the nonsensical, ridiculously overlong “At World’s End” might remain the nadir of this franchise, “Dead Men Tell No Tales” is only superior in that it’s about 35 minutes shorter. It’s a stupid, sleep-inducing film that has nothing to offer (except for maybe tens of millions of dollars to Johnny Depp so that he can do it again a few years from now with even less enthusiasm).

In theaters Friday, May 26th

 

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Donna Mathys
6 years ago

Can I please win this movie.

James McDonald
Admin
6 years ago
Reply to  Donna Mathys

Sorry but that would be no since it just came out in theaters two days ago.